Online Dating Hell. Oh, and Mother's Day ...

 

I’m not one to get discouraged easily, but that’s what I am today. Yesterday was a day that spiritually and emotionally beat me up. It was one of those days that everything seemed to plot against me, converging on a moment in time and space all with one motive- to screw with me …

I’ll get over it. Today sure helped.  A Sunday off with my kids. And better yet, Mother’s Day. But I'm still decompressing and licking my wounds.

This day comes after the weirdest month I’ve ever had in the online dating world. Again, it started to feel that things beyond my comprehension have been converging just to mess with me. Like I’m someone’s twisted lab experiment.

I realize online dating is a crap shoot to begin with. But I’m an eternal optimist who wakes up everyday expecting (not just hoping) that things will improve. So every time I log onto the two dating sites I use, I keep hoping that I’ll find, if not Prince Charming, then someone whom I’d like to spend time with beyond a single date. So far, I’ve been inundated with tattooed bikers, cougar-seekers, black men posing as white, black men named Chocolate Thunder (whose entire email consisted of the phrase “u hot”), men asking if they and their fiancé could adopt me for a weekend and men insisting on texting me images of their erect genitalia. All within the past few weeks! I think I’m on the verge of quitting these free dating sites which, obviously, seem to attract an odd assortment of men. I give up!

I’m not desperately searching for Mr. Right. I’m not sure he’s out there, to be honest with you. But I guess I’ve been online dating to fill up a few empty spaces that appear in my life from time to time. The anticipation, the flirting, the hopeful connection … the magic possibility is too enticing. But it’s empty. I don’t mind being on my own, but does anybody prefer that as a full-time state of being?

But I do have plans and hopes beyond dating. I really want to get back into painting. I’m not great, but I enjoy it. There’s at least one book inside of me that sporadically screams to get out. I just need to build up the courage to set it free I guess … And, of course, there’s Cole and Ella, my kids. Not that I ever forget them or put anything else as a priority above them. I’ll write more about them in another entry when I can devote more time and space to them, the attention they deserve.

So here I am on Mother’s Day. A day I partially dread. I dread because there’s no happy husband to join in the celebration. More importantly, I’ve struggled with it since my mom died in 2000. I abhor having to browse through Mother’s Day cards – a constant reminder of what I don’t have any more. And yes, I was the good daughter that always got her mother a card and present. And I really enjoyed doing it. But now, in exchange, I get wonderful crayon scribbled construction paper cards from two cuddly kids. A good trade off, I’ll admit … So, happy Mother’s Day thoughts go out into cyberspace to all the moms, sisters, aunts and girlfriends out there. I’ve lost the first, but have filled in some of the gaps with the others. Our loves, lives and family are all what we make them.