I've been back in the dating world for about a year now, since January 2009. Been officially since since this past July. And to be honest, I really don't know most days if I should feel positive or defeated. It's probably too early to feel defeated, that's true, but I'm still waiting for that glimmer of hope. Know what I mean?
With two marriages behind me - yes, you read that right - I should probably be bitter and a defeatist by now, but for some odd reason I'm not. I don't blame either ex for 100% of what went wrong. I'll accept 50% of each distintigration of marital bliss. But no matter how you slice it, I'm still not quite sure where to go from here. For once in my life I have no idea what I want or what I'm looking for. I know what I don't want, so maybe that's a good place to start. I don't want super kinky fetishes and I don't want impotence. I don't want wimpy and I don't want controlling.Call me naive, but there's got to be something in between!
Believe me, I'm not one of those women who feels like they need a man to be happy. I probably wouldn't have said good-bye to two husbands if I did. Just a thought. But I do still dream that there's someone out there for me.
My life is very fulfilling and joyful without a man. I have two amazing kids who keep me busy and fill my heart on a daily basis. They're 4 and 7 and take a lot of energy. I'm not complaining, mind you. I so look forward to the weeks I have them. (I have them every other week, sharing the time with my ex.) And I truly have an empty part inside of me when they're gone. The house feels empty, and so does my heart. But it is nice to have some time to myself to recharge and get all the annoying little things done like laundry etc. so I can spend more time with my kids when they're here.
I'm also lucky to have amazing friends and family. Unfortunately, my two best friends live in other states. Heather is in Texas and Alex is in Boston. But thanks to email and cell phones, we stay in touch all the time. I have some good friends nearby and find myself drawn more to single women now that I am again. I still have married friends, but it's nice to have friends that can more directly relate to your life in a less abstract way.
My dad and his wife live about 10 minutes away. My brother Simon and his wife Vanessa and family about 40 minutes. My brother John is in Boston with his husband Steve. We're all pretty close in a non-claustrophobic way.
So, that's a sketch of my life. I'll fill in the colors and shadows more later.
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