Ennui. Limbo. Apathy. Whatever you want to call it, I've got it. That, and a feeling that I’m living someone else’s life. (Except for my great kids, of course. And several other things in my life worth rejoicing over.)Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t depression. I know what that feels like. And I’m not complaining – okay, well maybe a little. I’m trying to pinpoint this rut, muck or whatever I’ve been trying to escape but can’t. It’s all this plus an undeniable feeling that something major is looming ahead that I need to recharge my batteries to combat. I’ve only had this feeling to this degree one other time in my life with a sorrowful ending, so I’m hoping that history won’t be repeating itself.
So, I feel like a little girl lost and worn out. Beaten down by the god awful dating scene, a job with a permanent ironclad ceiling, a family that undermines me and too much time on my own. Okay, now is the time to list the things going well in my life like, again, great kids that make life worthwhile, good friends, relative health, a nice home, a decent car, a drama-free family, and yes, I am gainfully employed which is more than other people. I honestly do count my blessings.But then there are always those who seem to have it better or always be in the right place at the right time. I know outward appearances can be deceiving when peering into other people’s lives, I’ve been living proof on several occasions. But then there are those people who are happily married to the same person for 60 years. The self-made multi-millionaires by the age of 30. Yes, money can’t buy happiness, but you can live a cushier life when miserable, that’s for sure.
I’m tired of just scraping by, of being an afterthought with friends and family, of being passed over in my career time and time again. I work my ass off, I’m a good person, I think I’m a good friend/daughter/sister. But I could be delusional, who knows?! So, do good women finish last? God I hope not.The last time I had this overwhelming feeling of impending otherness was right before my mom died. About 6 months before that I started getting that limbo feeling, like someone was telling me to take it easy and get ready for what’s coming. Now my dad had a test to have some lymph nodes biopsied today. Keep your fingers crossed, send good thoughts/prayers etc. his way please. I hope I can just blame this current round of bad feelings to premenopausal hormones …
If it helps, I know EXACTLY how you feel. There's nothing else I can say so it's probably not that helpful, but I've SO been there. I could have written that exact post (except the part about your mom). I don't think it means impending doom though. I think your psyche is connecting it with the last time, plus you're worried about your dad. But that's all. Not much you can do either - it sits there until it goes away and I don't know of anything that will help it. Except, vent away. Your life IS good and soon it will feel that way again. I love you!
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