Never did I think the sound of silence could reverberate so hugely in an empty house. This is what it feels like when my children are sleeping elsewhere, namely their dad's house. It's strange, they make no noise when they're asleep, but I can feel them upstairs sleeping soundly when they are under my roof. And somehow they feel worlds away when they're a couple miles across town. That's one of the hardest things about being a single mom, when my kids aren't with me. When I can't make sure they've eaten right or had enough sleep. It's putting your trust in someone else who can never be as diligent as you are, no matter what.
It's funny, my whole life I knew I wanted kids - two to be exact - a girl and a boy to be more exact. Who knew that that would be the one thing that went right in my scheme of life?! And as much as I wish for finding "true love" (whatever that is), that I'm thrilled I did get this part right? Cole and Ella are the best things that ever happened to me. I'll be the first one to tell you my kids aren't perfect (which many moms would never admit), they are pretty amazing. Cole has such an extraordinary imagination and heart, plus a sense of humor he could only have gotten from my side of the family ... And Ella is such a fully formed personality, already at age 6, it amazes me. She's strong, opinionated, sweet and warm. All things that bode well for her future, and a couple of things that foretell an interesting teenage period!
It's funny how you look at your kids to determine whose side of the family they resemble most, whose personality traits they exhibit more. Sometimes it's easy to overlook the people they already are, even before puberty! I look to their future with equal parts anticipation and dread. I can't wait to see what kind of people they grow up to be, who they become. But I dread the day they won't want to hold my hand crossing a parking lot or want me to kiss them goodnight. I realize it's inevitable, but it doesn't mean I have to like it!
Author Elizabeth Stone is famous for saying “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body..” I feel and live that daily. But what she doesn't mention is how your children actually feel like an external part of your being. Whenever I hold Cole or Ella's hands, it doesn't feel the same as holding a family member or friend's hand. It feels like a physical extension of me. It feels like we breathe the same breath, our hearts beat in synchronicity.
Nobody prepares you for that. I think it must be a mom thing, but I could be wrong. I only have my own point of reference to work with ... Maybe it starts in utero. Maybe because we begin flesh of flesh, soul of soul. I don't think as a daughter I felt this so keenly. But I do know that since my mother died, I never have been able to have the same connection with anyone else. That even 11 years after her death she's still the first person I want to call when something fantastic or devastating happens. And I wonder how Cole and Ella will feel about their connection to me when they're adults.
I don't kid myself that their teenage years will probably be a living hell. Heck, my own mom prophesied this herself! Or cursed me, depending on how you look at it! Even though I still hope and dream for true love, I realize that nobody will ever, could ever or should ever take the place my children have in my heart. And that's just the way it should be.
