The Invisible Woman

It's ironic ... I spent most of my youth trying to be invisible, at school at least, so I wouldn't get picked on. If you blend in you don't get noticed which means you avoid getting teased. It's ironic because now that I'm older, comfortable in my own skin and wanting to have an impact on my own life and I feel invisible. Invisible at work, invisible in my personal life. (Not with my kids, mind you, they never leave me alone!)

Marginalized is another word that keeps coming to mind. Whatever you want to call it, it's not a good feeling. I'm doing my best to be my best at work, but tend to get overlooked. In my dating life I'm forced to put a wonderful relationship on pause while he deals with his his life (divorces are messy). In my family, being the only girl and the youngest by a long shot - I'm always marginalized. My opinion doesn't matter, I'm always being interrupted when I try to talk and my feelings are dismissed as me being "too dramatic." 

And although I have some wonderful friends, I tend to always take a backseat to something, someone. I long for friendships like I had when I was in college or like my mom seemed to have - where you touch base with that person if not every day, close to it. I think times have changed, women are multitasking too much to devote a decent amount of time to anything (myself included)! 

I know, there are plenty of people out there that have much bigger problems than mine (am I marginalizing myself now?!). But I have one question - what does a girl have to do to get attention around here?! I'm not the kind of person that sits back and waits for things to happen. If I'm unhappy I do what I can, change what I can, to make things better. And I feel like that that's what I've been doing, or at least trying to do. I ask for what I want at work and am ignored. I put myself out there in the dating world and find a great guy, but I get put on hold, I try always be there for my family and friends but always seem to be an afterthought. 

I know this is a whine-fest, but I'm just perplexed. I honestly no idea what I'm doing wrong or what else I can do to improve things. I guess I'll keep trying, prop up my optimism a bit longer and hope for the best. Fingers crossed.

It's Complicated

Understatement of the day. Life is full of curveballs. I’ve had my share. There are days I feels like I’ve had more than my share. Hey, everyone is allowed those self-pity moments. You start running a laundry list in your brain of everything in your life that didn’t work out the way it should have. (I won’t bore you with the details!) Then you mentally bitch-slap yourself, put on your big girl panties and look for the good stuff.

Of which there’s plenty in my life. And I’d like to think, for the most part, I’m pretty optimistic vs. pessimistic. However, I could be deluding myself! If anyone has some insight about this, please share. As for the positive … I’ve got two great kids whom I adore, great friends and a supportive family. Oh, and in this day and age in the state of Michigan I can’t forget to list that I have a decent home (with actual equity) and a job that I love. Well, like a whole lot if I’m going to be honest here! 

And, I can’t forget to add that I’ve been dating a great guy for the past few months. For those of you that have been with me along my road of singlehood, you know that this is no small feat. He’s sweet, smart, funny and treats me really well. We’re talking bringing me roses, asking me how my day was kind of treatment. It’s funny, you don’t realize how crappy other guys have treated you until you get one that treats you well. To make it all even better, we seem to have this really amazing connection with each other that always seems to take me by surprise.

But there always seems to be a catch, doesn’t there? No, he’s not a cross-dresser. But he is in the middle of a divorce. And most of you already know that there’s no such thing as a neat and tidy divorce. It’s like watching your kids go through something you went through as a kid and you just want to save them from what’s about to happen to them but are powerless to do so. Part of me keeps wondering what this all would have been like if I’d met him a year later. But I’m so thankful I’ve met him now, at least as where I am in my life now. Things are complicated when it comes to his end of things, naturally.

I just want to be able to be with him. Sounds simple, but it isn’t! It’s not so easy juggling the lives of two “single” parents with young kids. Two parents that put their kids before everything. This translates into not a whole lot of time together. And for a growing relationship, this really sucks. Eloquently put, I realize. All I can do is enjoy what we do have together and hope that this curveball eventually changes direction.

Ringtones and Dating

Who knew changing a ringtone and text tone could mean so much? I never thought about it until last week. That's when I made the conscious decision to give the man I'm seeing his own tones. It may seem insignificant to some, but not to me. I've never given a guy I was dating his own tone. Actually, the only person that has their own ringtone in my phone is my ex - so I can mentally prepare myself to deal with supreme tool time upon answering.

First was the decision to personalize his tone, then came the harder decision about what song to choose. I'll leave it my secret, but it's reflective of how I feel right now. I had an earlier post about the power of "delete," now it's the power of a ringtone! (A much more positive technological rite of passage.)

As for how I'm feeling, I have to admit this is something new. Since my divorce I've had two semi-serious relationships and this doesn't even compare. I'm sad to say that it doesn't even compare to my last marriage. It's a whole new ballpark. The best way I can describe it is for the first time I'm in a relationship that calms me inside. For the first time I'm honestly content. That's little nagging voice inside of me has been silenced.

To be honest, I feel trepidatious about saying any of this - like I'll jinx it somehow. But I also feel the need to document it, mark it down to make it more real. I've never met anyone like him and no one has ever treated me as well as he does. I actually feel cared about, cared for. What a concept, huh?

I'm sure many of you have already experienced this, are experiencing this. Hope you feel as fortunate as I do. I actually caught myself humming earlier. Where did that come from?!

So, all my friends that have traveled this bumpy road of single life with me (in writing at least), keep your fingers crossed that this isn't too good to be true. I know I am. And maybe take a second look at your ringtones.

Solitude

I'm all for having time on my own. Me time. Especially after a long week, it's nice to have no one that needs anything from you for a while.

But then there's too much of a good thing. Don't get me wrong. I'm not wishing for my ex back. God no. But I do miss having someone to share things with. A favorite movie line that touches on this says, "We need someone to witness our lives." Yes, there are Cole and Ella, my family and friends - but it's just not the same. I still want a companion, someone to grow old with. I know, sounds sentimental and schmaltzy, but it's my reality.

It's been a few months now since I quit Match.com and dating altogether. And although I have more peace of mind and less drama, I miss having a date to look forward to. Someone to get dressed up for. Plus, I'm really tired of people telling me that it's when you stop looking that you find someone. These are all married people, mind you. What do they know?!  They haven't been 44 and trying to find a soul mate! It's not like there are any prospects where I work. And as far as I can tell, the dads at school are all married. So where does that leave me? Alone.

I love my girls' weekends, including the too fun Drag Queen Bingo I did this past weekend with a friend. Too fun! But there's a void that lingers. Plus, with a few exceptions, most of my friends are married with families who they spend time with (rightly so), so weekends are a vast expanse of time to fill.

So, what next? Do I dare dive back into the murky, shark infested dating pool that is Match.com? Or do I just find other things to occupy my time on these long and lonely weekends? There's plenty to keep me busy, but then there are days like today where apart from saying goodnight to my kids on the phone tonight, the only other people I talked to were various cashiers. That's no way to live!

My biological clock has stopped ticking, I'm not jumping to be married, but I do feel like my life is cruising by while I'm sitting in a rest stop somewhere patiently waiting! I'm not trying to whine and wallow, but just yet again sending my thoughts out into the cyber universe and hopefully a bit less on the brain!

Once more ...

To quote Shakespeare's Henry V, "Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more."  I have officially re-entered the world of online dating. Yes, I'm a glutton for punishment. Yes, it's become almost a personal dare or challenge to me. But I am going about it a bit differently this time. No more freebie dating sites and the dregs of the universe that inhabit them. There were some good guys, but they were few and far between! 

My last bout of online dating left me burned out and disenfranchised. So I decided to try Match.com again. I had actually had a good experience last time around, so I'm hoping lightning will strike twice - with a little more electricity this time around so it sticks.
After my one date with my 29-year-old friend (fun but fleeting), I've already had two dates this weekend. One good, one close to human torture. Not water-boarding, mind you, but mind-numbing.  Friday night was the great one. Intelligent, creative, great sense of humor and good-looking. Jackpot! We talked so long we were some of the last people, who weren't staff, to leave. Good sign. And it was. He called the next day to ask if he could make me dinner next week.  I couldn't say yes fast enough! I can't remember the last time someone cooked dinner for me that wasn't family.

Saturday night was highly unfortunate. I was willing to overlook he was 3 inches shorter than me, that he didn't graduate college, that he has a more major thing for shoes than most women I know! He was funny and very well-dressed. Two things, I soon discovered, he uses to hide the fact that he's over-compensating for the height thing. Napoleon complex anyone?! 

I posted on Facebook today that he was the human embodiment of the maligned Scrappy-Doo. And he was! He was overly exuberant, kept mentioning people he wanted to kill or beat up because they "wronged him" and honestly never let me finish a sentence. And at one point he kept bragging that a waiter at the bar wanted to "do" his daughter. He felt so strongly about it he mentioned that fact three times. Ick.

I was going to have a third for the weekend today, but after speaking to the candidate on the phone soon realized that going on a date would be a bad idea. Too many uncomfortable pauses on the phone. The dude was 53, you'd think he wouldn't get nervous talking to girls on the phone anymore. So I emailed him a really nice (as nice as it can be) cancellation email. But he kept emailing me wanting me to explain, twice. Talk about a glutton for punishment! 
So anyway, I choose to relish the good date and block out the hyperactive toddler. And I've got two new dates this coming week.  Stay tuned!