Shuffling Through Life

Wow, it's been way over a year since I decided to expound my thoughts here on my blog. Miss me?

I wish I could say my life has been going so fabulously well this past year that I simply haven't had the time to blog ... instead of the truth. My dad and brother Simon have been in and out of the hospital, I've been promoted (yay!) to a division of a company that's disintegrating around me (boo!), had a few friends leave me in the dust (boo again! and given up online dating (whew!), but the kids are great, I'm healthy and believe it or not - happy. I find myself smiling thinking about how good life is. 

Then there's the other side of the coin, what lies beneath. Yes, I'm happy. But yes, I've been through a lot this past year. This isn't a pity party, I promise. I've moved on from that mindset. I know there are people that have it better than me and I know that there are people that have it worse. The miraculous balance of life.

Grow Old with Me

What prompted today's blog is a visit to Kroger yesterday (a local grocery store if you're not from MI). While filling my cart with the essentials for the week I kept walking by this really sweet, very slow moving old couple. As they shuffled through the store, I couldn't help but be envious. They got to grow old with someone. I haven't ruled this possibility out for my life, it's just not in the cards right now for some reason. I kept thinking about the history they must have together. The kids. The grandkids. The fights. The making up. Just being there for each other through the years. 

There are things I miss and don't miss about being half of a couple. I get to pick out my own furniture, there's no juggling households during the holidays and I actually get a good night's sleep on a frequent basis. However, if I don't have the kids I'm alone for those holidays, I have no one to go furniture shopping with and, sigh, my bed has been empty for far too long. But what I miss most is having someone to share my ups and downs with. The kids, my family and friends are good for this sometimes, but it's not the same. There are days I come home from work and don't talk to another human being until I see my kids the next morning. While I like having alone time, nobody wants it all the time!

Can I Get a Witness?

Growing up I never thought I'd spend this much time on my own as an adult. I can't find the right partner or the right friends for some reason. Not complaining, just pondering. I miss having that daily touchstone of someone in my life who knows what my life is truly like. Not just snippets of it here and there. This all got me thinking about a quote from Susan Sarandon in a tepid film called Shall We Dance. The movie wasn't great, but this part always struck a chord with me: 

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. ... You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'".

So, for my happily or unhappily attached friends out there, rejoice that you have a witness. One beyond Facebook, that is! Believe me, I know how hard marriage can be. But there is that comfort that someone is there, by your side to be a part of the good and the bad, someone to grow old with. And keep your fingers crossed that one day I'll find someone to shuffle through the grocery store with 30 years from now!

It's Complicated

Understatement of the day. Life is full of curveballs. I’ve had my share. There are days I feels like I’ve had more than my share. Hey, everyone is allowed those self-pity moments. You start running a laundry list in your brain of everything in your life that didn’t work out the way it should have. (I won’t bore you with the details!) Then you mentally bitch-slap yourself, put on your big girl panties and look for the good stuff.

Of which there’s plenty in my life. And I’d like to think, for the most part, I’m pretty optimistic vs. pessimistic. However, I could be deluding myself! If anyone has some insight about this, please share. As for the positive … I’ve got two great kids whom I adore, great friends and a supportive family. Oh, and in this day and age in the state of Michigan I can’t forget to list that I have a decent home (with actual equity) and a job that I love. Well, like a whole lot if I’m going to be honest here! 

And, I can’t forget to add that I’ve been dating a great guy for the past few months. For those of you that have been with me along my road of singlehood, you know that this is no small feat. He’s sweet, smart, funny and treats me really well. We’re talking bringing me roses, asking me how my day was kind of treatment. It’s funny, you don’t realize how crappy other guys have treated you until you get one that treats you well. To make it all even better, we seem to have this really amazing connection with each other that always seems to take me by surprise.

But there always seems to be a catch, doesn’t there? No, he’s not a cross-dresser. But he is in the middle of a divorce. And most of you already know that there’s no such thing as a neat and tidy divorce. It’s like watching your kids go through something you went through as a kid and you just want to save them from what’s about to happen to them but are powerless to do so. Part of me keeps wondering what this all would have been like if I’d met him a year later. But I’m so thankful I’ve met him now, at least as where I am in my life now. Things are complicated when it comes to his end of things, naturally.

I just want to be able to be with him. Sounds simple, but it isn’t! It’s not so easy juggling the lives of two “single” parents with young kids. Two parents that put their kids before everything. This translates into not a whole lot of time together. And for a growing relationship, this really sucks. Eloquently put, I realize. All I can do is enjoy what we do have together and hope that this curveball eventually changes direction.

Welcome to Cougarville - It's just like anywhere else!

Okay, I'll admit it - I finally entered cougar territory.  My first. There was one other time I dated way younger, but when you're 30 you're not considered a cougar yet.  And I felt young enough to not feel too weird about it.  13 years, two kids and a divorce later kind of age you a bit! The age difference this time is about a decade. That's all I'm willing to admit in a blog!

So, he's someone I've know and flirted with for a few years, but it's strange to suddenly shift into dating mode after casually knowing someone for a while. He's a very sweet guy, hard working, great sense of humor. I'm just quickly learning to not mention things that happened more than a decade or so ago, nothing ages you quicker!

Even with the age difference, dating in this world of Cougarville is seriously just like dating someone my own age. (Which is what I usually do, give or take a year.) There's still that trying to distill your life story into quick, polite dinner talk. There's that, my god will he ever ask me a question about me thing. Which I'm sorry guys, you're all really horrible about. Would it kill you to shift the focus from you once in a while?  Don't worry, you won't lose your man card  if you take a moment to get to know us - we promise!

There's also that great, electric anticipation of the first kiss.  I would say that's one of the best things about being single again, being able to truly appreciate how great that is!  But then there's the dreaded waiting period.  The "will he call/text/email me?" The "should I call/text/email him first?" After all, I'm the older, more experienced one - maybe he's intimidated by a strong, independent woman and I should make the first move. That soon shifts into the "screw him, he's lucky I went out with him. I don't care if he ever calls/texts/emails me!"  Which is partial bullshit, by the way...

All of that is just the same, no matter the ages of either party involved.  Why is it so hard for a guy to contact us soon after the date?  We don't think you're needy, clingy or pathetic - honest.  It would be a refreshing change that we'd welcome!  It took him three days and all I got were two text messages.  I swear, I don't even know if all this is worth it. I have much more fun and less long-term stress just hanging out with my kids.  And no stress and all fun when I'm with my girlfriends.  Yet I keep going back for more. 

Just because I'm older, it doesn't mean I'm any wiser ...