Looking for Love?

Okay, so it has been almost a year since my last post. About the same amount of time to conceive and birth a child. I don't think I've been quite that productive, but life does get away from you!

Things have been looking up since I was last here. My kids are doing really well, growing like crazy and driving me crazy. That's what kids are for, right?!  Work is going well, just working hard and plodding along. My step-mother Vida was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I feel badly for her and badly for my dad. He spent years as a caregiver when my mom battled and lost her fight to cancer - an 8-year battle. Now at age 84 he's fighting a new fight. I only wish I could help him with it more.


Given the subject of my last entry, there's positive news. I've been dating a nice man named Chris since August. He's sweet, intelligent, cultured and likes me just the way I am. (that last part is a bit too Bridget Jones, I know!) But ...  It seems the older I get as a single person the more often I find that "but ..."

I don't know if it's because I'm a single mom and being cautious.  I don't know if it's because I've been married twice already and may be a bit jaded. I don't know if it's because I'm careening towards middle age and think things through too much now.  I just don't know why that giddy-I-can't-wait-until-he-calls-I-can't-wait-to-see-him-I-can't-stop-thinking-about-him feeling is lacking.

It was the same with Peter, whom I dated for a year before this. They're both great guys. I've had a lot in common with them. And the sex has been pretty great, so that's not it. (in case you were wondering ...) So that leaves me wondering:

• Am I just too old to expect what Carrie on Sex and the City calls the "za za zu?"
• Is it possible for me to mentally surrender to this ideal AND be a good mom?
• Or, are both of these guys just not "the one?"

As I get older, I realize I expect a lot from friends and lovers. But I've also learned I'm not wired to settle. Hence the two crumbled marriages I guess. As great as Chris is, is it wrong to expect more than a Happy Valentine's Day text (which was actually in response to my initial one?) I'm not saying I needed roses or chocolate, but even a heartfelt email would have been nice. It's just an example, by the way, of the overall dynamic of this relationship. I just feel like he's either really reserved and cautious or he's just not feelin' it.

Either way, it may be time to move on. Not like there's much else out there waiting for me. As you all know, online dating hasn't been the most positive, uplifting experience for me. And as a 40+ single mom, I've come to realize that I really don't need a man to be happy, but a little love in my life would be nice.

Until then, I bask in the love showered on me from my kids Cole and Ella. There's nothing more pure, unconditional and amazing than that. Now if only I can get them to buy me flowers and give me an occassional neck rub!