Shuffling Through Life

Wow, it's been way over a year since I decided to expound my thoughts here on my blog. Miss me?

I wish I could say my life has been going so fabulously well this past year that I simply haven't had the time to blog ... instead of the truth. My dad and brother Simon have been in and out of the hospital, I've been promoted (yay!) to a division of a company that's disintegrating around me (boo!), had a few friends leave me in the dust (boo again! and given up online dating (whew!), but the kids are great, I'm healthy and believe it or not - happy. I find myself smiling thinking about how good life is. 

Then there's the other side of the coin, what lies beneath. Yes, I'm happy. But yes, I've been through a lot this past year. This isn't a pity party, I promise. I've moved on from that mindset. I know there are people that have it better than me and I know that there are people that have it worse. The miraculous balance of life.

Grow Old with Me

What prompted today's blog is a visit to Kroger yesterday (a local grocery store if you're not from MI). While filling my cart with the essentials for the week I kept walking by this really sweet, very slow moving old couple. As they shuffled through the store, I couldn't help but be envious. They got to grow old with someone. I haven't ruled this possibility out for my life, it's just not in the cards right now for some reason. I kept thinking about the history they must have together. The kids. The grandkids. The fights. The making up. Just being there for each other through the years. 

There are things I miss and don't miss about being half of a couple. I get to pick out my own furniture, there's no juggling households during the holidays and I actually get a good night's sleep on a frequent basis. However, if I don't have the kids I'm alone for those holidays, I have no one to go furniture shopping with and, sigh, my bed has been empty for far too long. But what I miss most is having someone to share my ups and downs with. The kids, my family and friends are good for this sometimes, but it's not the same. There are days I come home from work and don't talk to another human being until I see my kids the next morning. While I like having alone time, nobody wants it all the time!

Can I Get a Witness?

Growing up I never thought I'd spend this much time on my own as an adult. I can't find the right partner or the right friends for some reason. Not complaining, just pondering. I miss having that daily touchstone of someone in my life who knows what my life is truly like. Not just snippets of it here and there. This all got me thinking about a quote from Susan Sarandon in a tepid film called Shall We Dance. The movie wasn't great, but this part always struck a chord with me: 

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. ... You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'".

So, for my happily or unhappily attached friends out there, rejoice that you have a witness. One beyond Facebook, that is! Believe me, I know how hard marriage can be. But there is that comfort that someone is there, by your side to be a part of the good and the bad, someone to grow old with. And keep your fingers crossed that one day I'll find someone to shuffle through the grocery store with 30 years from now!

Ring of Truth

It took a conversation with a lovely coworker of mine (thank you Mona) to fully make the connection of my past engagement rings to my failed marriages. The correlation is so obvious and cliche that if you read it in a book you'd think it was fake.

Ring #1
My first marriage to Randy was for all intents and purposes a fairytale. Five years together then he finally popped the question. We had already set out on field trips to ring shop for "one day." I showed him I preferred the more classic or antique look. Oh, and it had to be white gold, or in a more luxurious world - platinum. Almost all the jewelry I owned and wore was silver.

And let me preface the rest of this to say I don't want to sound superficial and spoiled - I'm not. You'd just like to think after 5 years someone would know you better!

So, after a romantic dinner at a wonderful restaurant at Disney World (we lived in Orlando), and a completely surprise and poetic proposal he pulls out the ring box. And inside was a yellow gold ring with a clunky contemporary setting. I did appreciate the effort and knew it cost a lot - but I still felt let down. Years later when I watched the Sex and the City episode when Aidan gave Carrie the "wrong" ring, I could so relate!

I should have know right there and then that Randy didn't understand me, or get me, as much as I had thought or hoped. The yellow gold writing was on the wall and I refused to see it! Four years later we were divorced. The marriage was over well before that.

Ring #2
I thought I'd found true love the second time around. I thought he was caring, supportive, in touch with his feelings. That's what I was led to believe. Oh, and he had some financial troubles. But that was his ex wife's fault. I believed it all because I so wanted to believe it. I needed to believe it. My mom had just died and that good ol' biological clock was ticking loudly.

Less than a year after we started dating we got married. And Craig couldn't afford the ring. Lucky for me I had a store charge account with a low balance. I had to buy my own wedding ring. It was serviceable, it was white gold at least, but I was the purchaser. It kind of cast a shadow over it all - know what I mean?!

Ring #3
Craig felt bad that he couldn't get me the ring he wanted. I'll credit him with that much. Several years into the marriage he had a bonus check that he wanted to use to buy me my dream ring. And it was. A gorgeous wide pave band in white gold. Of course it was perfect for me - I got to choose it! Trouble was, due to the shape of the band, it trapped water in it which made my finger break out! This lead to me taking it off in a public restroom to dry my hands. Add an infant in a stroller and a toddler running out of the bathroom and you get one lost ring.

Poetic, huh? I finally get what I want and I lose it. I wish there was an overarching lesson I learned from this. Well, maybe I did - the truth is in the ring.

The Invisible Woman

It's ironic ... I spent most of my youth trying to be invisible, at school at least, so I wouldn't get picked on. If you blend in you don't get noticed which means you avoid getting teased. It's ironic because now that I'm older, comfortable in my own skin and wanting to have an impact on my own life and I feel invisible. Invisible at work, invisible in my personal life. (Not with my kids, mind you, they never leave me alone!)

Marginalized is another word that keeps coming to mind. Whatever you want to call it, it's not a good feeling. I'm doing my best to be my best at work, but tend to get overlooked. In my dating life I'm forced to put a wonderful relationship on pause while he deals with his his life (divorces are messy). In my family, being the only girl and the youngest by a long shot - I'm always marginalized. My opinion doesn't matter, I'm always being interrupted when I try to talk and my feelings are dismissed as me being "too dramatic." 

And although I have some wonderful friends, I tend to always take a backseat to something, someone. I long for friendships like I had when I was in college or like my mom seemed to have - where you touch base with that person if not every day, close to it. I think times have changed, women are multitasking too much to devote a decent amount of time to anything (myself included)! 

I know, there are plenty of people out there that have much bigger problems than mine (am I marginalizing myself now?!). But I have one question - what does a girl have to do to get attention around here?! I'm not the kind of person that sits back and waits for things to happen. If I'm unhappy I do what I can, change what I can, to make things better. And I feel like that that's what I've been doing, or at least trying to do. I ask for what I want at work and am ignored. I put myself out there in the dating world and find a great guy, but I get put on hold, I try always be there for my family and friends but always seem to be an afterthought. 

I know this is a whine-fest, but I'm just perplexed. I honestly no idea what I'm doing wrong or what else I can do to improve things. I guess I'll keep trying, prop up my optimism a bit longer and hope for the best. Fingers crossed.

It's Complicated

Understatement of the day. Life is full of curveballs. I’ve had my share. There are days I feels like I’ve had more than my share. Hey, everyone is allowed those self-pity moments. You start running a laundry list in your brain of everything in your life that didn’t work out the way it should have. (I won’t bore you with the details!) Then you mentally bitch-slap yourself, put on your big girl panties and look for the good stuff.

Of which there’s plenty in my life. And I’d like to think, for the most part, I’m pretty optimistic vs. pessimistic. However, I could be deluding myself! If anyone has some insight about this, please share. As for the positive … I’ve got two great kids whom I adore, great friends and a supportive family. Oh, and in this day and age in the state of Michigan I can’t forget to list that I have a decent home (with actual equity) and a job that I love. Well, like a whole lot if I’m going to be honest here! 

And, I can’t forget to add that I’ve been dating a great guy for the past few months. For those of you that have been with me along my road of singlehood, you know that this is no small feat. He’s sweet, smart, funny and treats me really well. We’re talking bringing me roses, asking me how my day was kind of treatment. It’s funny, you don’t realize how crappy other guys have treated you until you get one that treats you well. To make it all even better, we seem to have this really amazing connection with each other that always seems to take me by surprise.

But there always seems to be a catch, doesn’t there? No, he’s not a cross-dresser. But he is in the middle of a divorce. And most of you already know that there’s no such thing as a neat and tidy divorce. It’s like watching your kids go through something you went through as a kid and you just want to save them from what’s about to happen to them but are powerless to do so. Part of me keeps wondering what this all would have been like if I’d met him a year later. But I’m so thankful I’ve met him now, at least as where I am in my life now. Things are complicated when it comes to his end of things, naturally.

I just want to be able to be with him. Sounds simple, but it isn’t! It’s not so easy juggling the lives of two “single” parents with young kids. Two parents that put their kids before everything. This translates into not a whole lot of time together. And for a growing relationship, this really sucks. Eloquently put, I realize. All I can do is enjoy what we do have together and hope that this curveball eventually changes direction.

Ringtones and Dating

Who knew changing a ringtone and text tone could mean so much? I never thought about it until last week. That's when I made the conscious decision to give the man I'm seeing his own tones. It may seem insignificant to some, but not to me. I've never given a guy I was dating his own tone. Actually, the only person that has their own ringtone in my phone is my ex - so I can mentally prepare myself to deal with supreme tool time upon answering.

First was the decision to personalize his tone, then came the harder decision about what song to choose. I'll leave it my secret, but it's reflective of how I feel right now. I had an earlier post about the power of "delete," now it's the power of a ringtone! (A much more positive technological rite of passage.)

As for how I'm feeling, I have to admit this is something new. Since my divorce I've had two semi-serious relationships and this doesn't even compare. I'm sad to say that it doesn't even compare to my last marriage. It's a whole new ballpark. The best way I can describe it is for the first time I'm in a relationship that calms me inside. For the first time I'm honestly content. That's little nagging voice inside of me has been silenced.

To be honest, I feel trepidatious about saying any of this - like I'll jinx it somehow. But I also feel the need to document it, mark it down to make it more real. I've never met anyone like him and no one has ever treated me as well as he does. I actually feel cared about, cared for. What a concept, huh?

I'm sure many of you have already experienced this, are experiencing this. Hope you feel as fortunate as I do. I actually caught myself humming earlier. Where did that come from?!

So, all my friends that have traveled this bumpy road of single life with me (in writing at least), keep your fingers crossed that this isn't too good to be true. I know I am. And maybe take a second look at your ringtones.

The Sound of Silence

Never did I think the sound of silence could reverberate so hugely in an empty house. This is what it feels like when my children are sleeping elsewhere, namely their dad's house. It's strange, they make no noise when they're asleep, but I can feel them upstairs sleeping soundly when they are under my roof. And somehow they feel worlds away when they're a couple miles across town. 

That's one of the hardest things about being a single mom, when my kids aren't with me. When I can't make sure they've eaten right or had enough sleep. It's putting your trust in someone else who can never be as diligent as you are, no matter what.

It's funny, my whole life I knew I wanted kids - two to be exact - a girl and a boy to be more exact. Who knew that that would be the one thing that went right in my scheme of life?!  And as much as I wish for finding "true love" (whatever that is), that I'm thrilled I did get this part right? Cole and Ella are the best things that ever happened to me. I'll be the first one to tell you my kids aren't perfect (which many moms would never admit), they are pretty amazing. Cole has such an extraordinary imagination and heart, plus a sense of humor he could only have gotten from my side of the family ... And Ella is such a fully formed personality, already at age 6, it amazes me. She's strong, opinionated, sweet and warm. All things that bode well for her future, and a couple of things that foretell an interesting teenage period!

It's funny how you look at your kids to determine whose side of the family they resemble most, whose personality traits they exhibit more. Sometimes it's easy to overlook the people they already are, even before puberty! I look to their future with equal parts anticipation and dread. I can't wait to see what kind of people they grow up to be, who they become. But I dread the day they won't want to hold my hand crossing a parking lot or want me to kiss them goodnight. I realize it's inevitable, but it doesn't mean I have to like it!

Author Elizabeth Stone is famous for saying “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body..” I feel and live that daily. But what she doesn't mention is how your children actually feel like an external part of your being. Whenever I hold Cole or Ella's hands, it doesn't feel the same as holding a family member or friend's hand. It feels like a physical extension of me. It feels like we breathe the same breath, our hearts beat in synchronicity.

Nobody prepares you for that. I think it must be a mom thing, but I could be wrong. I only have my own point of reference to work with ... Maybe it starts in utero. Maybe because we begin flesh of flesh, soul of soul. I don't think as a daughter I felt this so keenly. But I do know that since my mother died, I never have been able to have the same connection with anyone else. That even 11 years after her death she's still the first person I want to call when something fantastic or devastating happens. And I wonder how Cole and Ella will feel about their connection to me when they're adults.

I don't kid myself that their teenage years will probably be a living hell. Heck, my own mom prophesied this herself! Or cursed me, depending on how you look at it! Even though I still hope and dream for true love, I realize that nobody will ever, could ever or should ever take the place my children have in my heart. And that's just the way it should be.

Solitude

I'm all for having time on my own. Me time. Especially after a long week, it's nice to have no one that needs anything from you for a while.

But then there's too much of a good thing. Don't get me wrong. I'm not wishing for my ex back. God no. But I do miss having someone to share things with. A favorite movie line that touches on this says, "We need someone to witness our lives." Yes, there are Cole and Ella, my family and friends - but it's just not the same. I still want a companion, someone to grow old with. I know, sounds sentimental and schmaltzy, but it's my reality.

It's been a few months now since I quit Match.com and dating altogether. And although I have more peace of mind and less drama, I miss having a date to look forward to. Someone to get dressed up for. Plus, I'm really tired of people telling me that it's when you stop looking that you find someone. These are all married people, mind you. What do they know?!  They haven't been 44 and trying to find a soul mate! It's not like there are any prospects where I work. And as far as I can tell, the dads at school are all married. So where does that leave me? Alone.

I love my girls' weekends, including the too fun Drag Queen Bingo I did this past weekend with a friend. Too fun! But there's a void that lingers. Plus, with a few exceptions, most of my friends are married with families who they spend time with (rightly so), so weekends are a vast expanse of time to fill.

So, what next? Do I dare dive back into the murky, shark infested dating pool that is Match.com? Or do I just find other things to occupy my time on these long and lonely weekends? There's plenty to keep me busy, but then there are days like today where apart from saying goodnight to my kids on the phone tonight, the only other people I talked to were various cashiers. That's no way to live!

My biological clock has stopped ticking, I'm not jumping to be married, but I do feel like my life is cruising by while I'm sitting in a rest stop somewhere patiently waiting! I'm not trying to whine and wallow, but just yet again sending my thoughts out into the cyber universe and hopefully a bit less on the brain!