The Sound of Silence

Never did I think the sound of silence could reverberate so hugely in an empty house. This is what it feels like when my children are sleeping elsewhere, namely their dad's house. It's strange, they make no noise when they're asleep, but I can feel them upstairs sleeping soundly when they are under my roof. And somehow they feel worlds away when they're a couple miles across town. 

That's one of the hardest things about being a single mom, when my kids aren't with me. When I can't make sure they've eaten right or had enough sleep. It's putting your trust in someone else who can never be as diligent as you are, no matter what.

It's funny, my whole life I knew I wanted kids - two to be exact - a girl and a boy to be more exact. Who knew that that would be the one thing that went right in my scheme of life?!  And as much as I wish for finding "true love" (whatever that is), that I'm thrilled I did get this part right? Cole and Ella are the best things that ever happened to me. I'll be the first one to tell you my kids aren't perfect (which many moms would never admit), they are pretty amazing. Cole has such an extraordinary imagination and heart, plus a sense of humor he could only have gotten from my side of the family ... And Ella is such a fully formed personality, already at age 6, it amazes me. She's strong, opinionated, sweet and warm. All things that bode well for her future, and a couple of things that foretell an interesting teenage period!

It's funny how you look at your kids to determine whose side of the family they resemble most, whose personality traits they exhibit more. Sometimes it's easy to overlook the people they already are, even before puberty! I look to their future with equal parts anticipation and dread. I can't wait to see what kind of people they grow up to be, who they become. But I dread the day they won't want to hold my hand crossing a parking lot or want me to kiss them goodnight. I realize it's inevitable, but it doesn't mean I have to like it!

Author Elizabeth Stone is famous for saying “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body..” I feel and live that daily. But what she doesn't mention is how your children actually feel like an external part of your being. Whenever I hold Cole or Ella's hands, it doesn't feel the same as holding a family member or friend's hand. It feels like a physical extension of me. It feels like we breathe the same breath, our hearts beat in synchronicity.

Nobody prepares you for that. I think it must be a mom thing, but I could be wrong. I only have my own point of reference to work with ... Maybe it starts in utero. Maybe because we begin flesh of flesh, soul of soul. I don't think as a daughter I felt this so keenly. But I do know that since my mother died, I never have been able to have the same connection with anyone else. That even 11 years after her death she's still the first person I want to call when something fantastic or devastating happens. And I wonder how Cole and Ella will feel about their connection to me when they're adults.

I don't kid myself that their teenage years will probably be a living hell. Heck, my own mom prophesied this herself! Or cursed me, depending on how you look at it! Even though I still hope and dream for true love, I realize that nobody will ever, could ever or should ever take the place my children have in my heart. And that's just the way it should be.

Solitude

I'm all for having time on my own. Me time. Especially after a long week, it's nice to have no one that needs anything from you for a while.

But then there's too much of a good thing. Don't get me wrong. I'm not wishing for my ex back. God no. But I do miss having someone to share things with. A favorite movie line that touches on this says, "We need someone to witness our lives." Yes, there are Cole and Ella, my family and friends - but it's just not the same. I still want a companion, someone to grow old with. I know, sounds sentimental and schmaltzy, but it's my reality.

It's been a few months now since I quit Match.com and dating altogether. And although I have more peace of mind and less drama, I miss having a date to look forward to. Someone to get dressed up for. Plus, I'm really tired of people telling me that it's when you stop looking that you find someone. These are all married people, mind you. What do they know?!  They haven't been 44 and trying to find a soul mate! It's not like there are any prospects where I work. And as far as I can tell, the dads at school are all married. So where does that leave me? Alone.

I love my girls' weekends, including the too fun Drag Queen Bingo I did this past weekend with a friend. Too fun! But there's a void that lingers. Plus, with a few exceptions, most of my friends are married with families who they spend time with (rightly so), so weekends are a vast expanse of time to fill.

So, what next? Do I dare dive back into the murky, shark infested dating pool that is Match.com? Or do I just find other things to occupy my time on these long and lonely weekends? There's plenty to keep me busy, but then there are days like today where apart from saying goodnight to my kids on the phone tonight, the only other people I talked to were various cashiers. That's no way to live!

My biological clock has stopped ticking, I'm not jumping to be married, but I do feel like my life is cruising by while I'm sitting in a rest stop somewhere patiently waiting! I'm not trying to whine and wallow, but just yet again sending my thoughts out into the cyber universe and hopefully a bit less on the brain!

No Ado About Anything

Ennui. Limbo. Apathy. Whatever you want to call it, I've got it. That, and a feeling that I’m living someone else’s life. (Except for my great kids, of course. And several other things in my life worth rejoicing over.)

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t depression. I know what that feels like. And I’m not complaining – okay, well maybe a little. I’m trying to pinpoint this rut, muck or whatever I’ve been trying to escape but can’t. It’s all this plus an undeniable feeling that something major is looming ahead that I need to recharge my batteries to combat. I’ve only had this feeling to this degree one other time in my life with a sorrowful ending, so I’m hoping that history won’t be repeating itself.

So, I feel like a little girl lost and worn out. Beaten down by the god awful dating scene, a job with a permanent ironclad ceiling, a family that undermines me and too much time on my own. Okay, now is the time to list the things going well in my life like, again, great kids that make life worthwhile, good friends, relative health, a nice home, a decent car, a drama-free family, and yes, I am gainfully employed which is more than other people. I honestly do count my blessings.

But then there are always those who seem to have it better or always be in the right place at the right time. I know outward appearances can be deceiving when peering into other people’s lives, I’ve been living proof on several occasions. But then there are those people who are happily married to the same person for 60 years. The self-made multi-millionaires by the age of 30. Yes, money can’t buy happiness, but you can live a cushier life when miserable, that’s for sure.

I’m tired of just scraping by, of being an afterthought with friends and family, of being passed over in my career time and time again. I work my ass off, I’m a good person, I think I’m a good friend/daughter/sister. But I could be delusional, who knows?! So, do good women finish last? God I hope not.

The last time I had this overwhelming feeling of impending otherness was right before my mom died. About 6 months before that I started getting that limbo feeling, like someone was telling me to take it easy and get ready for what’s coming. Now my dad had a test to have some lymph nodes biopsied today. Keep your fingers crossed, send good thoughts/prayers etc. his way please. I hope I can just blame this current round of bad feelings to premenopausal hormones …

I Give Up!

For those of you who have been along on the online dating ride with me, this shouldn’t come as a big surprise – but I seriously do give up on it. I was a woman on the verge and then the tipping point came tonight during a 5 minute date. Yep, 5 minutes.  Met the guy at a restaurant. Had a drink while we waited for a table and a couple minutes into it, after looking at his iPhone every two second, he announced that we didn’t have any chemistry and that he didn’t see the point of having more than a drink together.

Seriously?! Can you really tell how much chemistry you have with someone in that short amount of time?! I know I’m no super model, but I didn’t think I was instantly revolting or anything ….

So, it’s easy to say “his loss” and move on, but I feel so disheartened lately. So much so that I quit Match last week. I’d much rather spend free time with friends, family and my kids. Much more nurturing for the spirit vs. this constant tear it down, build it back up revolving door of dating in your 40s.

I seriously am not asking for much, I swear! Someone with a great sense of humor. Someone who can actually ask you about your day instead of bitching about theirs the whole time. Someone who isn’t bitter or jaded. Someone more glass full than glass empty. Someone who wants to be with me. There are, of course, a few other specifics not worth getting into right now – but those are the basics that I keep hitting a brick wall with lately.

This all leads me to wonder if it’s even possible to find “the one” at this point in my life. Am I being too optimistic? Am I too jaded? Possible. I in part blame my mom for raising me watching MGM musicals where every relationship problem can be wrapped up in 90 minutes with a show-stopping song. Sigh.

So I drown my sorrows in All About Eve, Cadbury’s chocolate and supportive calls and texts from girlfriends. (Thank you Jane, Heather and Jenn!) And for some reason I’m oddly hopeful for my last official Match.com date tomorrow night. Guess you can’t really keep a romantic optimist down! (Just don’t be surprised if future posts have nothing to do with my love life!)